"I Miss You"

This summer, someone I'd grown up with in church since the age of three died at the age of 19. His name was Matt Butler. He was murdered. I almost put up the entire story of how he died and what happened, etc, but that's not why I started to write this. A thought occurred to me today, and I don't want that thought to turn into an angry lashing-out.

At Matt's funeral, the church was so packed that only a limited number of people could be in the actual sanctuary-most people were in the fellowship hall or outside; they hooked up speakers so that we could hear the eulogy. Sadly, I didn't know Matt very well-I couldn't really call him anything more than a peer. Now, looking back at the lives he touched, the people who loved him, I wish I were able to call him a friend.

The realization that hit me today came about when my iPod was on shuffle-the song "I Miss You" by Incubus came on. They played that song at Matt's funeral, after the hearse drove away and people were leaving. My friend and I were looking at the flowers and posters of Matt, and I think that, for the rest of my life, every time I hear this song I will picture the beautiful church interior, with the flowers and sunlight, and the irony of the beauty tangled with loss. I may not always feel sad when I hear it....then again, I may.

But I realized, as I heard the words "I miss you," that this was sort of a preparation for when I lose a good friend. When I heard Matt had died, I was shocked, because he was so young, and sad, because he was a good person, but not completely devastated, as I didn't know him so well. Now I realize that's not the only thing to take in. What I needed to see-what took me a while-is that someday I'll be the best friend delivering the eulogy at a dear friend's funeral. I will break down when I hear the news. I will be the one with the huge hole in my heart, and my life.

As a Christian, I know that I'll see Matt again. The song speaks the truth-"I know I'll see you again, whether far or soon." On the sidewalk at Matt's memorial, I wrote, "See you, okay?" because I will. Someday. I'll finally be able to call him my friend, and not regret not getting to know him more. For now, I just have the picture in my head of him laughing, and the knowledge that cherishing the time you have and living it to the fullest, with as much love as you can, is the only way to truly live.

"If I die tomorrow, it'll be okay, because I'll have lived life to the fullest."-Matt Butler