Things You Should Never Ask Or Say....

Today I was going through boxes in my garage, since we're beginning to put things into storage, and I wanted to make sure that we weren't putting things that I wanted to have with me away. The few boxes we have left have really random things in them: old textbooks, duffel bags, baseballs (why we have an entire box full, I'll never know). But there was also one with slightly more meaningful things: drawings and letters and cards from when I was small. These have an especially significant meaning to me, because a lot of them have my mother's handwriting, and some of them are from her to me.

For those of you who don't know, my mom died when I was four. I'm okay with it. I'm not over it, because you can never get over a loved one's death. I have, however, learned to live with it, and to just live my life in a way she'd be proud of.

Something I've noticed over the years is that whenever I tell people my mother passed away, the majority of people make the face. The face one makes when consoling someone over a recent loss, like when you're at a funeral telling someone you're sorry for their loss: eyebrows furrow, eyes soften, lips frown in a sort of kind, pitying way. Now, I am in no way saying that the people are insincere in making the face, but honestly.....after a while, that shit gets irritating. She didn't die last week. I've had a long time and a lot of love to cope with it. I'm not going to burst into tears about it. Really, it's okay. We don't have to dwell on it. (For the record, I do still cry every once in a while, but that's always in private, and I don't go on all day about it. But that's beside the point.)

I am always polite about people acting this way, since they're only trying to be kind, and they mean well. But I always thought it would be nice for there to be some sort of guide to how you act when someone tells you they lost a parent when they were young. Not a completely serious one, mind you, more like a humorous one that gently tells you to lighten the hell up.

I got the idea for this post about a week ago while reading the blog of someone whose loved one served in the armed forces. They talked about a book they'd recently read a book about questions you should never ask a soldier. Some were funny, and some were serious. On their blog, they had made their own list of things you should never say to a military man/woman's lady/man. Both the wit and poignant intellect really struck me, and I absolutely loved the idea. So, at the risk of completely ripping off a genius idea (screw it. I'm totally stealing.), I present:

Things You Should Never Say To/Ask When Someone Tells You One Of Their Parents Passed Away

[I Know. The title is way too wordy and just kind of sucks.]

Oh, wow. How did he/she die?

That is an extremely personal question. Generally I tell people, (car accident, btw) if only to get them to stop asking questions, and because it requires minimal wording and no other explanation. But think about the question you're asking. what if she'd committed suicide? What if she'd died in front of me? What if I just didn't feel comfortable telling you in the first place? If I don't offer up the information, it's better to just not ask.

Car accident-was it a drunk driver?

What does it matter? Do you think I'll have some cool vendetta story about how I'm going to turn into a Batgirl of sorts to get my revenge? And what if SHE was the drunk driver?

Do you miss her/him?

Not at all! No mommy means no bedtime, and I can have all the ice cream I want!

Of course I miss my fucking mother.

Were you there when it happened?

Um. If I was, do you really think I'd want to talk to you about it? Only my closest friends would be privileged enough to know something like that, and they'd have enough sense not to ask.

So you're an orphan?

So you have the emotional range of a housefly? It's a very derogatory word. Calling someone an orphan is like calling someone a cripple-if THEY don't use the phrase, they're not comfortable with it. "Orphan" is the most hurtful thing I have ever been called, and I have been called a LOT of things.

How old was he/she?

I honestly never understood point of this one. But, if you must know, as old as Harry Potter's mother was when she died. Go look it up.

So you live with your mom/dad? (whichever isn't dead)

Not necessarily. What if I'd never known my father (I wish)? What if they're in prison for murdering the other parent? Honestly, if people ever stopped to think about the possible answers to the boorish questions they ask, they'd never ask.

Was it hard for you?

Nope! Having my mother pass away was a piece of cake. YES it was hard. And for the record, age has nothing to do with it. If you're young when it happens you're sad about all the time you'll never have with them, and if you're older when it happens you're sad about all the time you'll never have with them, regardless of how much time you had with them while they were alive.

In closing, kindness in regards to someone who tells you they've lost a parent is never unappreciated, but you don't have to go overboard. You didn't know them, and it's more than okay that you don't dwell on it. You don't have to console me, and it's not impolite of you to not ask any questions. I'm sure you don't really want to know all the details, and I'm more than happy to not be forced to dwell on one of the worst things that's ever happened to me. "I'm sorry" really is the nicest thing you can say. It is so underestimated, but it conveys so much. I think the unspoken part of "I'm sorry" in this context is, "How sad. That must have been/be hard. I would hate to go through something like that. You seem to be dealing with it very well. I'm sorry that you have to deal with that."

The absence of my mother is a personal thing. I look to the people I love most for support on the days when it gets particularly hard, and they're there for me. If someone reaches out to you and wants to talk about it, ask all the questions you want; they're inviting you to. But honestly, saying you're sorry and just moving on with the conversation is really a very caring gesture. It's like a spoken hug :)